new year's resolution

LIVE.          LOVE.          SMILE

a new year's resolution

LIVE. Every person has the right to live. Has their own rights to be free. Has their own will to be happy. Has their own reason for living in this unsure world that we called earth. By this year, i just wanna live. Live in the way i want, live freely, live happily ever after. with those persons i love, appreciates, and love me as well.

The last months of 2011 became very awful for me. It's good from the start. Had a happy relationship by january to february. March came and i became weak, fell out of love with a guy i'm not supposed to love. A guy who is definitely committed to someone else. We're both committed. Learn to let go, promise him that if the right time comes, i will go back and continue the loved that we had, but i never did. Received my diploma, graduated and earn a job. Been out of a long relationship and suddenly fell out of love again to a person i never thought i would fall inlove with. August to September, i've been happy suddenly, hoping that that happiness would never turn down. October, get inked. October to November, been depressed,cried my heart out, loved a lot, expect something in return, been drunk, fell out in a narrow deep hole of love, tried to move on, tried to forget, and tried to be happy. Those last  months of 2011, although there's a lot of depressing moments, awful thoughts and heartbreaks, it teaches me a lesson. A lesson that makes me strong and molds my personality. In every experience, either good or bad, there is sure a lesson.

This 2012, i will surely never forget those memories of my 2011. It makes me who i am now. I'm just gonna follow the track that God gave me, live my life to its fullest and follow HIS path.

LOVE. My 2011 revolved in this one meaningful word. Love (based on wikipedia), is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachments. Hearing the word LOVE includes other terms like kiss, hugs, miss, happy moments, shared memories, rejection, hearts etc. Yes, people need love, needs to love and be loved in return. And i need it, but life so cruel that it cannot gave it to me.

As i end my 2011, i made an awful decision in love, CLOSING MY HEART, closing my heart to new love opportunities. Few months ago, way back August, i met a guy, a guy that i never knew i would fall inlove with. He's not the type of my guy, but he made me fall in love with him, fall inlove with him unconditionally. It started as textmates, chatmates, fb friends. Turns out to be more than friends, less than relationship status, no strings attached, friends with benefits, no emotional feelings involved. We go out together like it's us. Hold hands together, kiss one another, sleep together, hug one another. I'm happy in that certain moment and i made a mistake, I FALL INLOVE, which i'm not supposed to do. I tried to hide, tried to stop because i know from the start, there's no point of having that feeling inside of me, because i know from the start, that he cannot love me. But i tried, tried to be his new reason to go on with his life, tried to be the one his longing for, tried to be his one and only. There's a lot of people who always told me that i need not to expect anything, but i still do. 

September 26, i decided to let go. Not because i want to, but because i need to. People think that i've been taken for granted, i don't think it that way. I know what happened, we both know what happened, he do not take me for granted, i loved what happened and so i let it happen. No one to blame. No one. After i let go, we became strangers, no talks even we see each other at the office. No calls, no text even. Cried my heart out, been drunk a lot of times just to escape for that depressing moments. But it follows me. October 27, i planned to get ink. He's with me, and i fall inlove for the 2nd time. Tell I love you, and he replied 'thank you'. Been depressed again, cried, pretend to be okay, tried to be happy. 

My love life for the last few months of the year revolves to only one guy, with the same situation, over and over and over and over again.  December came, after Christmas, i gave a gift, a gift that i've been longing to give. He appreciates and so my heart pound with joy. He then leaves a message in fb, read.cried.read.cried and replied. I had a peaceful heart after that conversation. And til now?. I'm still pretending to be fine, to be okay.

love.love.love.love.love. it kills me. really. This year?. Continue to close my heart, don't know for how long, probably for now, I would enjoy life being single, with friends,  although i don't want to and work hard. I will take my time this year, no rush, I had a lot of time in my hands, just need to manage it. As 2011 ends, I learned rejection,  I learned  the feeling not to be loved back,  I learned  not to move on, I learned  to close my heart,I learned  to be depressed inlove, I learned to fell out of love, I learned to love unconditionally, I learned  not to rush because it may lead to something awful, I learned  to pretend, I learned  to hide my true feelings, to be bitter, I learned  to assume and i really learn how to be mature in love.

HELLO 2012, less heartache please?.

SMILE. Smile is a facial expression formed by flexing the muscles near both ends of the mouth. 

Because of what had happened, I really learn how to hide my pain through my smiles. I'm a person who always wear a big smile. I do not take life that seriously for so long, I just go with the flow of my life. 

And definitely, i will face 2012 with a BIG, HUGE SMILE :D

LIVE.LOVE.SMILE

GOD above us all..